Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
