My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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