I could have mohawked her pubes.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize