He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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