We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
