I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize