you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
