piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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