i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
