Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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