Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
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