Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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