Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
