I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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