i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
