I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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