i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
