I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
