U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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