I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
