It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i think my cat just said my name.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
