I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
