Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize