When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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