I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
