woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
