i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
