He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
