when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
