I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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