TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
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