I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
