he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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