Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
