I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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