Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
