I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
