I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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