They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
