my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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