Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
