This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
