I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize