i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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