we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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