Don't make out with my wife yet
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize