What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
