Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
