Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
