Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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