this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
