so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
