Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
