im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
