My hand turned me down
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
