i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
