Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
