Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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