My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
you win again, gameday.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
